


Loser

by broship_addict



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-06-01 13:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6522241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broship_addict/pseuds/broship_addict
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Neil and Exy are a package deal, Andrew knows.  He knows that if there’s any chance of spending his life with Neil, it also has to be with Exy.  Closing his eyes, Andrew can almost feel the air rush past him as he plummets, stealing his breath away.</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Or, a study on Andrew and Neil and how Exy doesn’t have to be a part of ‘this’ but it is anyways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loser

**Author's Note:**

> Kind of angsty at the beginning, but I hope the payoff is worth it! Brief mentions of drugs and suicide.

Andrew had never imagined a career in Exy.  Exy was a temporary reprieve from boredom, a way to stay on the juvie warden’s good side.  He plays Exy for Palmetto because of Nicky and Aaron (and more recently Kevin and Neil) and because he hates his meds more than he hates putting the effort into Exy.

On the other hand, he knows that Neil can’t live without Exy. He knows that Neil will  _die_  without Exy, because it’s the only thing keeping the Moriyamas from killing Neil.  He knows that he can try, but he wouldn’t be able to stop them.

Andrew also knows, deep down, that he can’t live without Neil.

Relationships and love are a game, he thinks, and the way to win is to be the one less involved, with the least to lose when everything comes crashing down and he’s left alone and abandoned and hated.  Andrew’s already lost, because he’s so, so in love with stupid death-wish Neil Josten, because without Neil he knows that he’ll come spiraling down with no one to catch him.

Neil has Exy.  Neil has the Foxes and the court and the rest of his life ahead of him.  Andrew has his cigarettes, alcohol, and knives.  He has his addiction to Neil, his need to be with Neil, to protect Neil, and to sometimes be protected by Neil.  

Andrew wears his defeat in silence, hidden to the whole world.  Andrew swallows back the pathetic bitterness as he browses through the goalkeeper stats for various professional teams, looking for someone to replace on a team that would still need a striker in three years.  Andrew does his very best not to feel as he watches Neil and Kevin practice late at night during their last year together, but he does.

Neil and Exy are a package deal, Andrew knows.  He knows that if there’s any chance of spending his life with Neil, it also has to be with Exy.  If he closes his eyes, Andrew can almost feel the air rush past him as he plummets, stealing his breath away.

If he’s being honest, Andrew had never really imagined a career in anything.  Going to university in itself is a miracle, since the thought of living past high school hadn’t occurred to him.  Except he’s alive and he finally has something that he wants and it’s so, so easy to lose a man who’s spent his life slipping away.

* * *

They’re lying in bed after a late practice; Andrew on his side with his back against the wall and Neil on his side with his back against Andrew.  They both feel better being able to see the entire room with a single glance, and they both feel better being next to each other.  

Andrew knows that Neil’s been having a hard time with the concept of Kevin and Matt leaving.  The girl’s graduations were bad enough (and Andrew will sometimes grudgingly admit to missing Renee), but Matt is Neil’s best friend and Kevin is Neil’s past and future.  A small part of Andrew also knows that Neil’s having a hard time with the knowledge of the cousins’ own inevitable departure.

“Hey, Andrew?”  It’s said so quietly into the dark that Andrew wasn’t sure he really heard it.  Kevin snores on.

Andrew reaches out and lightly presses his fingers to the curve of Neil’s hip.   _I’m here_ , they say.

Neil turns around and turns his back to the room just so he can face Andrew in the darkness.  “What do you want to do after graduation?”

Silence greets him as Andrew tries to come up with a response.   _Stay with you_ , he thinks, _I want to survive and feel and spend my life at your side_.

“Nothing,” he says truthfully.

He can imagine Neil rolling his eyes even though he can't see it.  “You know that’s not really an option.  You’re taking criminal justice but you’ll be kicked out of a courthouse before you can open your mouth.  You don’t care enough about Exy, and I can’t imagine you doing something as mundane as working at Eden’s Twilight for the rest of your life.”

Andrew thinks that Neil’s mouth is a far greater problem.

The sheets rustle as Neil leans in and his voice becomes even softer as he whispers, “If you wait for me, I wouldn’t mind coming home to you every night.  Twenty percent of a pro Exy player’s salary is still more than enough for the two of us.”

Andrew is more tired than he would readily admit, so it takes him a while to process what Neil’s saying.  He closes his eyes and the air is motionless around him.

“What makes you think you can stay still long enough?”  

“You told me to stay,” Neil replies and suddenly Andrew can feel the mattress beneath him.  It’s solid but his body is still intact.

“I’m not going to let you become some sort of twisted, Exy-junkie sugar daddy.”  Andrew says, struggling to keep his tone as neutral as possible.  Neil muffles a quiet snort of laughter.  “Would you even be capable of keeping yourself alive if I did want to do something else?” Andrew asks.

“I’ll be fine.”

“Good,” breathes Andrew, feeling the gap between their scores close.  “I won’t be there to keep someone from bashing your head in when my team’s on the other side of the country.”

The gap between their faces also closes and Andrew can feel Neil’s smile against his lips.

* * *

The weight of his newest key is welcome and warm in Andrew’s pocket, because it is a key to his and Neil’s apartment.  It’s on the ninth floor, and some nights Andrew comes home to silence and emptiness (save for the stupid cats) but the ground is firm beneath his feet.

Andrew hadn’t imagined a career in Exy.  He hadn’t considered travelling from city to city on away games and only seeing Neil on the few days when they’re both home.  

Andrew thinks it’s okay, because he hadn’t imagined Neil Josten either.  He knows that they’ve both won this game.

**Author's Note:**

> And then in another year they'll both be playing on the same team and the domestic grossness of their lives increases by 500%. 
> 
> Come check me out on [tumblr](http://www.broship-addict.tumblr.com), where I also post art!


End file.
